Discourse and Dialogue for Lucas

I hope everybody’s holidays went well! Mine were really exhausting. I’ve never left Christmas shopping to the last minute like this before. It’s nerve-wracking! Apart from that, my whole family came home to be together for the weekend, and it was really nice. Currently I’m looking forward to crashing a New Years’ party tonight.  Happy 2012 everyone!

One person who isn’t here celebrating for the holidays is Lucas. He went back to France to spend Christmas with his family and see his friends. He said everyone at home has lots of questions about me, because I’m now officially his girlfriend, and he’s my boyfriend. I couldn’t be happier about it. (I don’t want to speak for Lucas, but I think he’s pretty happy too.)

The last time I talked about him, I named a thousand reasons why I liked Lucas, but I still found myself scared to jump off the cliff into a full-on relationship. Having never started a relationship before, I didn’t know what speed bumps lie ahead, and to be honest, I was terrified to mess anything up. I have no idea what the first steps into that territory look like. It’s not that I wasn’t clear on what to say. Lucas asked me like once a week, “So I’m your boyfriend and you’re my girlfriend now?” At first I said, “No no no, this just started, and that’s a big commitment.” It quickly became clear that my focus was all on him and he was set on me, but I was still being cautious. I spent months and months being single and trying to find a guy worth his salt, but I never considered how to proceed from there.

When I pictured myself getting into a relationship, I didn’t picture leaving anything behind. I thought once I had somebody, the label would make it official and this status would make sense as the only obvious thing to do (and the world would be sunshine and rainbows like a Lisa Frank notebook). A little naive, I admit it. I had a rather black-and-white view of things.

Of course, my life is a whole lot of gray. When I first hooked up with Lucas, sure I had a crush on him, but I wasn’t looking for anybody. I loved my single life! Every date was an adventure! And if the guys I saw weren’t so great, then the things I learned about myself through their dates were worth every awkward or rude moment in existence. When I’m with Lucas, however, I have no problem brushing all these thoughts aside. I learn more about myself and about him everyday. The more I get to know him, the more awesome he becomes. So, on one hand I love being with Lucas, but on the other, I was very reluctant to let go of my hard-earned single-girl confidence. I could see myself being totally happy with both options. Hmm... How should I decide? I already knew how to be a happy single girl -- what’s it like to fumble into a relationship with a really great guy? Especially if that scary new relationship is what I really want.

I came to realize that everything about this blog has been pushing me to fight through uncomfortable feelings. I fought through bad dates trying to ineptly cuddle with me, boys who are super interested and can’t see that I’m not, and one deliciously tempting boy who breaks all of my well crafted rules on suitable date material (read: no teammates). Not to mention all of the insecurity, pain, and loneliness I’d felt about being single that I’d kept bottled up before starting this dating project. And I thought, if I can get through all of that without having any idea how it will turn out, then I can definitely start this without having any idea what I’m doing. It’s easy actually; all I have to do is take it day by day.

In the end, my subconscious self did the rest of the work. Lucas spent the night at my place and I woke up wrapped in his arms. I rolled over to face him and said, “So you’re my boyfriend now,” with a big smile on my face. Then, with a shock, I woke up fully. “Alice, what were you thinking?” my cautious side screamed. “You can’t just say stuff like that out of nowhere! You can’t take that back!”  But none of it mattered. Lucas was still asleep and hadn’t heard me at all. However, I’d heard myself, so when he asked me again the next night if I was his girlfriend and he was my boyfriend, I said, “Yeah, yeah I am.”

The Brilliant Mechanical Man

These past couple weeks have been a little crazy with the end of the semester upon us, me being out of town last weekend (Who thinks to travel the weekend before finals? Dis fool.), and an onslaught of deadlines that will. not. stop. However I found a couple minutes to spare, and I'm sharing some words of the great Kurt Vonnegut, that my friend and forever Vonnegutphile suggested I post. I couldn't agree more.

INTERVIEWER: Let’s talk about the women in your books.

VONNEGUT: There aren’t any. No real women, no love.

INTERVIEWER: Is this worth expounding upon?

VONNEGUT:
It’s a mechanical problem. So much of what happens in storytelling is mechanical, has to do with the technical problems of how to make a story work. Cowboy stories and policeman stories end in shoot-outs, for example, because shoot-outs are the most reliable mechanisms for making such stories end. There is nothing like death to say what is always such an artificial thing to say: “The end.” I try to keep deep love out of my stories because, once that particular subject comes up, it is almost impossible to talk about anything else. Readers don’t want to hear about anything else. They go gaga about love. If a lover in a story wins his true love, that’s the end of the tale, even if World War III is about to begin, and the sky is black with flying saucers.

INTERVIEWER: So you keep love out.

VONNEGUT:
I have other things I want to talk about. Ralph Ellison did the same thing in Invisible Man. If the hero in that magnificent book had found somebody worth loving, somebody who was crazy about him, that would have been the end of the story. Céline did the same thing in Journey to the End of Night: he excluded the possibility of true and final love—so that the story could go on and on and on.

INTERVIEWER: Not many writers talk about the mechanics of stories.

VONNEGUT:
I am such a barbarous technocrat that I believe they can be tinkered with like Model T Fords.

INTERVIEWER: To what end?

VONNEGUT: To give the reader pleasure.

INTERVIEWER: Will you ever write a love story, do you think?

VONNEGUT:
Maybe. I lead a loving life. I really do. Even when I’m leading that loving life, though, and it’s going so well, I sometimes find myself thinking, “My goodness, couldn’t we talk about something else for just a little while?”
♥

Happy Finals week to everybody studying! I'll resurface soon.

Meeting Charlie

Ok, my date with Charlie.

Charlie first read my blog off our mutual friend's facebook page.  I guess he really related to all the problems I talked about. He told me how brave he thought I was for starting this project and that it takes a lot of self-confidence to put everything out in the open like that. (Boy do I know that now.) But these were my first words of encouragement from a real reader! It was so exciting!

When I texted Charlie about our date, he called me (finally, a phone call!) and we talked for the first time ever. That was a little strange actually: talking to somebody that I was already inclined to like, knowing that we share some similar ideas and struggles, but about whom I really don’t know anything.

Not to worry, by his phone skills I judged him to be pretty cool, if only a little too excited. and I tried, I swear I tried to say that I am kind of seeing someone else. He didn’t seem to pick up this at all; he seemed really excited about our upcoming date, and I admit I was interested in meeting him for real too, but now on a totally platonic level, one which I couldn’t seem to communicate to him through the phone or text.

With this worry in mind, I still set up the date with him. And oh my god, I was really impressed. He had tons of ideas, and he’d planned everything out. Right down to the fact that when we arrived at an indoor putt putt facility that had no cars in the lot, he told me, “I know it’s open, I called to make sure.” Like geez, if anyone wants to go on a date this kid, she better realize that he’s putting in effort to make sure she has a good time.

Back to before the date: With much debate, I decided to tell Lucas about the blog, which meant that I had to come clean about my date with Charlie. I made plans for Lucas to hang out with my sister while I was on the date(she’s a cookie baking master and Lucas claims to be a world renowned judge of this sport). My Date however, got there early (girls are never ready on time! I wish guys would purposely get there 5 mins late and apologize politely for being a bit tardy. That would be ideal.) I don’t have such luck. Charlie met Lucas and my sister on their way out the door. Introductions were made; Clara laughing heartily on the inside, Lucas thinking, “Enemy!” and I’m sure Charlie was wondering who on Earth this random guy was.

Charlie's Take

[Hey guys, this post and Meeting Charlie go together, so if you're reading them, please read Meeting Charlie first. It'll make more sense.] - Alice

I think I can honestly say that this is the first blind date I have ever done. On top of a first blind date, I was meeting her AND her family at the same time. Regardless, it was an experience I was looking forward to. Sort of like how Brad Pitt says, “How much can you know about yourself, if you've never been in a fight?” in Fight Club. It can be fun to have a challenge. Upon meeting some of her family and one of her friends (whom we will talk about shortly), I finally got to meet Alice for the first time. I have to admit, I did a little fist pump in my mind upon seeing her for the first time. She looked very nice. It was a huge relief to know my blind date was pretty after all the wait and anticipation.


As we headed to our activity for the evening (glow in the dark putt putt), the date took an unexpected twist. Alice tells me that she kinda has a boyfriend, and not only that, but I shook his hand back at the house (that’s right, the friend back at the house I met, was actually her boyfriend). Wow. Totally wasn’t expecting that. I didn’t know that it was even possible to be put in the friend zone 5 minutes into a date (or better yet, before the date even started…that has to be some record, can someone look into that for me?). Honestly though, despite the news, it wouldn’t have changed anything on my end for the date. I would have said the exact same things and done the exact same things regardless if she was single or not. Now, some would argue that I should have cut the date off there, or not paid for anything, or should be upset that this would have been information to know before hand, or that Alice should have cancelled the date. Maybe. But you know, I didn’t look at it that way. In fact, I wasn’t even that distraught over the news. I knew Alice’s intentions for this dating project and she knew that I knew. I think we both understood where the other was coming from, and both at least wanted to meet each other, single or not. Also, the way Alice delivered the information was done appropriately, so again, it really wasn’t as bad as it may seem on paper. In fact, we joked about it for the rest of the night.

The Triple Threat

Let’s go all way back to the beginning of the blog, when I wrote The First Post, and a boy named Charlie left me a comment asking me out. It turned out that Charlie goes to school about 2 hours away from me, but he told me he would be back home for Thanksgiving or Christmas break. The holiday season is now upon us, and with everything that was going on with Lucas, I paused before calling Charlie up to talk about our planned date. In the end I decided that there is no way I can cancel on a guy who’s been waiting 2½ months to go on a date with me, whether or not the date will be an actual date.

In the meantime, I have continued to see Lucas outside of practice. I have such a good time hanging out with him, and I’ve been working through my concerns with public scrutiny and a relationship. We’d decided a couple weeks ago that Lucas was coming back to my parents’ house for Thanksgiving weekend, and I was trying to set up plans with old friends that I only ever see during the holidays. Lucas said to me, “I will stay with you for everything if that is ok.” I thought, Sure! You can totally come along for everything. Except for this one little date with a different guy that I have to go on...you can’t come to that. (Talk about awkward.) I tried to hedge, but Lucas persisted, “Why can’t I go with you?” he asked. You just can’t! Ok? How do you answer that?

Just to spice things up further, I got asked out on a date by a third guy.  One afternoon last week, I went on Facebook to discover a message from a guy I played soccer with over the summer. We have mutual friends that I’m very close with and he is too, but overall, I wouldn’t have quite called us friends. Friendly-acquaintances-that-could-eventually-be-friends, maybe, but we were not at that point yet. I also happen to know that this guy, Jordan, just got out of a relationship and (call me naive here, I think I deserve it) I thought maybe he just needs an open ear. Someone who isn’t involved in his ex’s side, someone who isn’t really involved in his side, someone who could be relatively neutral and definitely non-judgmental. I think in all honestly, I just was wracking my brain to come up with some explanation, any explanation, for why on Earth this kid would think to ask me out. Well he did it. Gave me his phone number and everything, saying that he would call me later to make concrete plans. 

A Date with Lucas

So, to pick up where we left off, Lucas left the next morning, and we began the process of getting to know each other all over again, as people outside of the athletic world. He texts me everyday, back and forth, up until practice. Then we enter the gym, give each other a casual nod, and practice as Alice and Lucas, regular teammates. I made it very clear that at practice, we are not together, and he’s been following suit perfectly. The most we do is discuss general topics of conversation. We’ve actually developed a sort of code language. “Do you have a lot of homework tonight?” means, “Can I come over?” “I really need a shower after this,” means, “I can’t wait to come over tonight.”

I don’t know how I missed this but I have to apologize for not explaining everything. Lucas is new to the team this year because he’s an international student from France, here on scholarship.  Referred to as my “frenchie” by Amy (my role model). His english is really good and so far he really likes it here. Sorry I didn’t mention this. I forget he’s French!

Lucas is quickly discovering how busy I am, but I am pleased to announce that we had a real live date just one week after Saturday Night. It was absolutely awesome. We went grocery shopping (one of my favorites pastimes, not kidding), then we went back to my apartment where he cooked me au gratin from scratch. He used a blue cheese directly from France, and taught me how to tear and eat a baguette, just like a real French person. He claims it all came out perfectly. I’ll second that.

One of Lucas’s favorite things to do is ask me why I smile. Every time, I think of what a silly question this is. Smiling is a reflex, and I don’t even realize that I’m doing it. So when he asks me, I respond, “Because I like you.” Short and sweet. On our date however, I gave a real honest answer for once. Believe it or not, this is something I am working on. Opening up and sharing is not my forte to any degree, and this blog is a big kick in the pants to that weakness of mine. Putting my goal into practice, I told Lucas that I was smiling because I never expected to like hanging out with him so much. He’s such a nice guy, a real gentleman. On top of that, he’s lighthearted and funny, and he tells some really good stories. He’s also happy to teach me about politics in Europe and talk about regional politics here (one of my favorite topics), or get real and talk about his problems being a new student in the U.S. All in all, I’m likin’ this kid a lot.

A Boy Named Lucas

So...I think this is a big post. I’ve broken just about every rule on dating that I can, but I think I have a guy that I really like. A keeper. His name is Lucas (pronounced “Luke-ah”).

I’ve known Lucas for about 2 and a half months --basically since the beginning of school this year-- and I didn’t realize that I Liked him until about two weeks ago. I have no idea how it works for everybody else, but for me it goes like this: I’m so happy, I have a cool new friend. Wow, he’s really cool! It’s the best whenever he’s around! Doesn’t everybody think he’s awesome, just like me? No, it’s just me? Oh shit. And that’s when everything changes. I never seem to like guys that are entirely available or reasonable choices. Maybe it’s the “thrill of a challenge” that plays a part.

Anyway, Lucas was entirely unavailable in my mind because he is my teammate. I have forever spouted the rule that I will NEVER date a teammate. Being a student-athlete is a job, and your teammates are your coworkers. When I go to practice, I’m there to work, and I do not want distractions or feelings getting in the way of productive training. Lucas is especially important because he’s better than me and thus very good to work with. Also, I see my teammates 5 or 6 days a week. We practice at school three days a week, and we drive 45 minutes through rush hour to practice outside of school twice a week. We compete every weekend and travel on the bus together. When Friday night comes, someone makes plans and we all hang out together. Some of us even live together. Bottom line: It’s A LOT of time. 

My concerns were enough to make me think that I would ignore my little crush and move on. I mean, I’m doing a dating project, so I didn’t think fresh dating opportunities (a.k.a. distractions) were going to be sparse. Then Saturday Night happened. I was at a chill party with some teammates and some other people, just hanging out and drinking. Lucas and I were talking, and he was rubbing my arm, and then I wasn’t paying attention, and next thing I know, we’re making out. Later he walked me home, I brought him upstairs, and he spent the night.

First this happened...

Then this happened.

So that was a turn of events, to say the least.

[And disclaimer: I’ve thought about putting this post up for a while, but I struggled with really putting everything out there when it’s early in the game. (Yet the game continues! So no worries.)]

Maya Angelou

I read this and thought it was too valuable not to share. I hope you find it as powerful and empowering as I do.

Thoughts on Dating, Vol. I

 A thought that has really been captivating me lately is why we feel we should have a significant other. What makes us say, “By age 20, Prince Charming is late.” It’s not like he’s some prize I feel I deserve for making it into my twenties relatively intact. I haven’t crunched numbers and calculated that he should be here by now. And I’m not some princess trying to paint a fairy tale story over my life. No, I have this yearning desire for a boyfriend that pops into my head whether I want it there or not. Where did this idea come from? Is it entirely biological? How much of it is related to the media? Or does it come from our family values and upbringing? 

It should just be biological shouldn’t it? I am at the peak of my attractiveness, I have hormones telling me what to think about and what to feel, and all around me, other human beings are constantly sending out pheromones saying, Let’s get physical! It’s as if life is some kind of musical chairs and nature says, “Don’t be the last one standing alone.” 

Some days, I find it so tempting to listen to those persuasive chemicals in my body. I imagine going out whenever I’m feeling horny or a little wild and looking to have a good time. I set the bait and reel in a guy who will fill a need for the night. It’s fun. It’s exactly what I want to do and it has absolutely nothing to do with that guy’s feelings. But that’s where I get hung up. I said earlier that I treat boys’ feelings like fragile glass, and here’s where it plays out. (Among many scenarios). Unless everybody is 100% clear about the purpose of the night’s events, I can’t go toying with a boy just because he breathes and has a sex drive. 

Once I accept that sad fact, I go back to thinking about my idea of a great relationship.  Dealing with a guy’s feelings isn’t the part I want to avoid, it’s the part I look forward to.  I don’t think about a hot hook-up, I think about that giddy feeling you get when you know somebody likes you and he or she did something that made your whole day. If I like someone, I have endless scenarios in my head where he says or does the perfect thing at the perfect moment, and that’s not biological, it’s all imagination. And the inspiration for these mental reels is fed to us all the time on movie screens.  

Hollywood paints these awesome pictures of relationships, where you want nothing more than for the two leads to get together and love each other for the rest of forever. It’s exactly what you want to hear.  And it doesn’t seem to matter how many chick flicks you have watched in your life, there’s always this hope that the next one is going to tell the story of your life with a happy ending. Movie producers have to know this. They make the same movie over and over that spouts lessons of love happening at the most unlikely time, and I think it’s because that’s what people are looking for; this feeling of a happily ever after just around the corner. 

A friend showed me this article which explains how Hollywood’s lessons in the movies are total bullshit. I found it entertaining and I’ll definitely be a more savvy movie-goer now.  (But I’m still going to watch the chick flicks.) Because whether or not I want to admit it, I am taking away lessons from my favorite movie relationships. 

My longtime favorite is When Harry Met Sally. (If you haven’t seen it, you should. But for a quick synopsis, Harry is an asshole and Sally is high maintenance and they despise each other until they become best friends and eventually realize they are in love).  I love it because Harry and Sally are characters that don’t define themselves by being single or by their past relationships. They become friends because rather than focusing on needing a significant other in their respective lives, they both put in the work for a genuine friendship and leave out the complications of building a relationship. In the meantime, the one they build together is awesome. I think that freedom and lack of pressure made all the difference for them.

I haven’t been trained to think I need a man. My parents never taught me that I should have somebody at my hip. My mother didn’t ask about boys, and I didn’t tell. I knew that I was totally fine with my boyfriendlessness, and I knew that she was fine with it too. I know some parents who think their kid is malfunctioning if he/she is not chasing tail by age 15, god, that pressure must be suffocating. I got really good advice from my role models, actually. They told me that I’m lucky to be single as a young adult because I get to figure out who I am all on my own, without another person influencing my thoughts and actions. I have also avoided the time and energy expenses of being with someone else. How lucky for me! 

Obviously that doesn’t work. I can’t logic my way out of it. I still want somebody. You know what I want? Someone who gives great hugs. The kind where you just melt into it because you trust that person’s hug entirely, like by holding you, he can hold your whole life together. Whether it’s spinning out of control or not. And that he knows you enough to know when all you need is that one kind of comfort.   

After all my thinking, I still don’t know what it is that makes us feel this way; everything I listed maybe plays a part, but none of them account for feeling a lack of intimacy. That has to come from somewhere deeper. And that part is the one, I’m learning, that always speaks the loudest.

I read a quote this week that I really liked:

Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing it is stupid.

I got to thinking about it and I changed it a little bit. I think it applies here better:

Everyone is lovable. But if you spend all your thinking you should have a lover right now, you’ll spend your whole life believing you need to be somebody else to be loved. 

Ok, I need your help. When Harry Met Sally is good, but not the best love story out there. Tell me what your favorite love stories are.  Please post anonymously!

Ode Jokes

I had just a few things that didn’t really fit into any of the posts about Ode, but I still wanted to share them. Here they are:

After our first date (remember I said that Ode gave good compliments the whole time, without being creepy) he texted me the day afterward with just one more. He said, “Btw, I really liked how your sodalite necklace matched your eyes last night. Quite beautiful.” That’s what I get for dating a geology major.

Ode really likes to throw out the race card during casual conversation. He says he’s comfortable with being black, and everybody should be comfortable with him being black too. So while we were at the apple orchard, His friend Steph and I knelt down to play with a family’s puppy which was so cute! Ode came over to play with the puppy too, and the puppy had black fur, so I asked Ode, “Oh, do you two get along really well?” 

You can imagine that a touchy topic like whether two people decide it they’re dating or not would probably be a conversation held face-to-face. But Ode asked me that question over a text. I had no idea where it was coming from, except that at the end of the question he said, “just for charity.” The night before, I had talked to him and a friend who was describing charity dating and how it works, so I put two and two together. Charity dating...that must be what Ode is up to! Well what a gentleman I thought, to ask me first. No. That child and his inability to proofread his texts meant that he intended to say clarity, and his phone sent charity. He said, “I’m not doing any dating charity, Silly.” Heh heh heh. Well, it’s a little funny I guess.

Ode & Co.

Saturday morning I overslept and arrived at the conference late. 10 seconds in the door, I ran into Ode, who wasn't there to learn, but to network. Like I said, high powered guy. He never misses an opportunity to stalk possible job leads, all while looking dashing in a dark, well-fitted suit. His involvement in the environmental justice community is actually amazing. People Iʼve emailed or worked with briefly are good friends of his. I talked with strangers all morning; he met up with old pals.

Anyway, the conference had almost nothing to do with Date 3. We met up after lunch, where the two of us and a few of his friends went to an apple orchard. I tried hard not to, but I couldnʼt help judging him for the fact that all of his friends are girls. Ode told me point blank that 95% of the numbers in his phone are girlsʼ. Why doesnʼt he want to make friends with males? I like boys. Boys are nice. What does he have against them? I really think heʼs missing something if he doesnʼt value friendships of his own sex. Boys and girls think differently, and thereʼs a lot to be said for being around other guys.

After the apple orchard, we went to a memorial concert back at the conference, and lastly dinner at a place close to campus. After each stop we lost a few people, and sadly, only the people I liked were the ones leaving. By the time we got to the restaurant, I was absolutely sick of Odeʼs last two friends. One was a vegan who did it “on principle, to save lives,” yet had no idea what she was doing, and the other was an atheist who had to pick a fight that night just because she knows Ode is religious. Ode told me she does this every time he sees her. On top of that, The Atheist kept saying that The Vegan was Odeʼs girlfriend as a joke. Like what? Nobody found that funny.

By the end of the night, I was feeling a lot closer to Ode because he was the one person that Iʼm familiar with, instead of these other two that I openly could not stand. I think Ode was a bit tired of them, too, and was probably feeling something similar about me. He walked me home after that and gave me a big hug good night.

Look at me, Iʼve completed 3 dates! I can say no if he asks me out again! For the entire weekend, I wasnʼt sure what I wanted to happen next. I like hanging out with Ode, but I donʼt like him. And I am deathly afraid of leading anybody on, so I really felt pressure to make a decision over whether I wanted to date him or not. I was afraid to tell him no because rejecting people is scary. And I didn't want to burn a bridge. I was also afraid to say, “I need more time,” because I thought that would imply that eventually Iʼll make a positive decision. I thought about saying yes to being his girlfriend, but that would only put off the inevitable, “Iʼm just not that into you.” And it would stress me out while I navigated those next deeper waters of dating. After dating Ode, I've come to realize that this project will only teach me about the first few steps in dating, and that if I donʼt want to, I never have to go further. Which is cool, because honestly, that next phase is intimidating. Iʼm much more familiar with the “become friends, then one day you flip the switch” kind of relationships, as opposed to this whole dating thing. Everything is so intentional, and I think things have a tendency to move faster and that feelings get inflated.

I have a lot of concerns about this issue, needless to say.

I spent the next few days agonizing over how I was going to man up and tell Ode how I feel. Nobody else agonized. Everyone I talked to said to just do it. They made it sound so easy! If thereʼs a scale for hurting boysʼ feelings mercilessly vs. handling them like fragile glass, I lean way toward the donʼt-touch-it-or-youʼll-break-it end of things. I figured that being honest with Ode would be a big step for me.

Unfortunately, things worked out far more conveniently than I had hoped. He texted me this week out of the blue and asked me if weʼre dating, “just for clarity.” I said, “No I donʼt think weʼre dating,” and that was it. Done deal. So simple! Iʼm not leading him on, and heʼs not going to try any further. Of course, I have no idea how he feels about my response, but can you ever really know that kind of thing? Regardless, I'm now a single girl again, and I'm on the hunt for my next date. Mr. November, here I come!

Ode...Could You Repeat That?

Ode and I had a big test in our geology class this week, so we spent late nights in the computer lab studying with all of our classmates. In a normal dating situation, I imagine that the two people don’t interact nearly this much between their first and second date, but we weren’t so lucky. Another gray area. Delicious. 

In that time, I learned that this kid still drives me crazy! Whenever I expect him to be serious, he’s making a joke at me. Whenever I think he’s being jocular, I try to play back, and that’s when he’s being serious. When I really want to talk about what we’re learning in class because I need help or have a question, he never says, “I don’t know the answer either, let’s figure it out.” He just toys with me until I get fed up and ask somebody else. The word that keeps running through my head to describe Ode is obnoxious. In all honesty, I feel a lot of frustration because I am trying to get to know him better but we never seem to click.

So I have to admit that our disconnect stems from a communication barrier. And it’s amplified 10-fold every time he texts me. When he talked about going out for a second time, I wasn’t sure if he was referring to me or our lab teacher. He kept talking about going to get Mexican food with our teacher, which I’m like 60% sure was a joke, but he has tons of typos and his phone uses some kind of autocorrect, so none of the text made sense. I was thoroughly confused. Even with two friends helping me, I had to guess at what he was saying. I didn’t know how to respond so I said, “Oh I love Mexican food. I haven’t had it in forever.” Then he asked if I was hinting as something! I was like, Dude are you hinting at something? Because please, fill me in.

However, he did drop some promising hints. He asked me if I have a boyfriend (in that backwards “I bet your boyfriend thinks…” kind of way), he called our date a date, he told me I’m “an awesome girl,” and he made a half-joke about what he does with girls he likes. He also brought out the Good Night Text. I’m not a fan of good night texts. It’s like a hug that you don’t want. Unless I’m thinking of saying good night too, it’s just an awkward reminder that this person thinks about you as they go to sleep. Or they think about you falling sleep. Which is perhaps not creepy, but strange to me. I don’t know. Maybe I’m crazy. But I don’t like hearing it too early on.

Our date was awesome, just like the first. It was actually a lot longer, with more talking. He told me some great stories, we joked about our professors, and we talked about sharing personal information, too. (He’s really direct, I only share if I’m asked). We also had some great food, though I’m honestly not sure what part of the pig I was eating in my tacos.

As he drove me home, he offered to carpool to our environmental science conference the next morning, but I turned him down because my sister had already agreed to drive me. So he said okay and drove off without a word. No "good night". No hug. It’s like we were just friends.

I ended that night really confused. I mean, I know how I feel about him -- not a romantic interest, but still an impressive and admirable guy - but what about the things he hopes for with me? Did he change his mind? Did I miss something?

Ode a.k.a. Captain Planet

Last weekend I went to Bancroft, Ontario for a geology field trip. (I know, can you believe they do field trips in college?) Bancroft is the mineral collecting capital of the world, so it was great from a geologist’s perspective and also from a get-to-know-your-classmates perspective. 

It was a twelve hour ride, a minivan full of five new faces, and frequent stops on the side of the road to talk about rocks. Not my ideal vacation. But good lordy, I never knew how attractive all the boys in my department are! It was like, take your pick! Well, I didn’t have to. There were two guys in my van, and over the weekend I got to know them both pretty well. Mark was sitting up front; he’s really chill and laid back, but when he talks he actually has cool stuff to share. Ode (pronounced "O-dee") was sitting next to me in the van, and he’s a high powered kind of guy. Social activist, dissatisfied with the state of the world, etc, etc, and talking to me nonstop, with probing questions and silly banter the whole ride up. By day two he had already asked me out. So I set a date with him for this week then carried on with my weekend of rocks. (And drinking! Geology majors love their beer. My prof loves his scotch. A liquor stop was incorporated into the itinerary. I got to buy for my very first time!)

Maybe the future date had something to do with it, or maybe it was the fact that I was crammed between Ode and another girl in the back seat for 8+ hours, but by the return ride on Sunday, this kid was driving me nuts. None of his banter was funny; it was obnoxious. And he kept picking on me because the temperature in the car was a million degrees. On top of that, I seriously didn’t want to have a deep conversation with him about anything. Dude, just let me sleep/be miserable. When we all got back to school I was happy to leave that cramped car and never look back. 

The date was on Wednesday, and Ode texted me Sunday night and Tues afternoon, both at times where I was really busy and couldn’t respond adequately. So I pared it down to the basics: Are we still going on a date? What time? Like I said, the kid was driving me crazy, so I wasn’t super excited about making plans together. But, I’d said yes to the date, and I wasn’t going to drop out even if I wasn’t really into Ode like that.

Judging by his response texts, he wasn’t into me either! He said he’d confirm the date late Tuesday night. No text. So I asked him what had happened last night on Wednesday morning. (Pushing my pride aside, I couldn’t pass up a chance for a date.) He said, “oh yea...so what time?” Like he’d forgotten he had this date to do. I was thinking, I may have friend-zoned you, but you asked me out! You can’t friend zone me too! I was fully prepared to go on this date both participants being totally unenthused. 

I have to take it all back. This was a really nice date. We went out for dinner, he paid and wouldn’t let me argue, and complimented me throughout the evening, but not in a creepy way. Ode is really fascinating. He’s done so much for environmental justice already, organizing youth groups, leading a student org (SEAL- Student Environmental Action Leaders), staging rallies, and he’s only 23. I mentioned that I have a mentor who is a big community leader and CEO of a growing non-profit in the city, and he already knew her! He’d actually worked with her while doing community forums for a city redevelopment project. 

The artist has started adding her own commentary. This could get interesting.
This is her depiction of Ode.

Needless to say, we had a ton to talk about, and the conversation stayed strong for all of dinner. Afterwards, he drove me home where he gave me a big hug and asked if I’d be interested in going out again sometime. Had to say yes. 

This is actually where the Yes Clause is designed to work. I’m not into Ode. It’s just not there for me. I want to be friends with him because he is so cool, but in the real world, I would face the struggle of saying no to a date and then saying, “Let’s just be friends.” Instead, I’m saying yes to Date 2, and giving him another shot. In reality, I’m giving myself another shot at seeing something more than my initial appraisal. Maybe I miss some great qualities in guys because I’ve already decided that they aren’t gonna sweep me off my feet. If that’s the case, then I ought to be giving everyone a second chance, and better yet, truly reserving judgement for a bit. I know that’s nearly impossible, but being non-judgmental is something to aim for. Being open-minded has never hurt anything. That same open-mindedness got me into this project...

Also, check out the new gadget on the sidebar that gives a shout out to my amazing artist who does all the drawings!

James (He’s Bri-ish, not Briddish)

I would certainly call this date culturally enriching. In fact, the city and I had a wonderful time together. But I was on a date with a foreign exchange student, and that part wasn’t quite so filling. 

Basically, it was nearing the end of the month and still being sans date, I realized that I had to ask one out. I have a class with James, who is a study abroad student from Manchester, UK studying political science for the semester. He seemed nice enough, and I figured that if we have nothing in common, I’d at least get to hear him talk about England and I’d learn something. I asked him to a contemporary art museum with me, date set for 6:30 pm Friday evening. 

Real quickly, let’s just talk about the definition of a date. It’s a case-by-case thing at our age, and the rules get bendy. For the sake of consistency, I determined a few things. First, it’s not a date if one of the people doesn’t know it’s a date. “Remember our first date?” “Oh, are you talking about that time we hung out and went bowling?” Doesn’t work. Next, you have to have something to do. An activity. If all we do is get coffee, all we have to do is talk, and what if listening to this guy is worse than hearing nails on a chalkboard? Next, some sort of food/beverage should be included. Eating or drinking are social acts so I figure they should be part of the program. 

I picked James for the date because he’s friendly in class and didn’t seem all that interested in me, so I was hoping a date wouldn’t be super special to him. Plus I thought he might like to see more of the area around campus. I’m working at this new carefree dating style, which means that a date isn’t a big deal, filled with expectations and hopes. It’s something close to hanging out with a stranger on good terms, because what do you have to lose doing that? So we went to the museum, a first-time visit for both of us.  I didn’t think I was gonna be into the contemporary art scene, but this was seriously awesome. There was an artist from France giving a presentation, and we ducked in to hear the last 20 minutes of that. Definitely check out his most recently completed project, The Machines de l’île. I could have stayed longer, but James was on his phone and itouch simultaneously, looking bored. Maybe he was just tired of standing.

After we left the museum, I was starving so I asked if he wanted to go get food somewhere. As we’re walking towards a restaurant, he kept bringing up coffee and how he likes coffee so much, blah blah blah. Finally he goes, “Well you can get something, I’ll probably just get something light, or a water.” I’m like, Fine! We’ll go get coffee if that’s what you want. I’m not gonna sit and have you watch me eat. As we’re walking to a local coffee place, he tells me all about his previous night spent at Olive Garden and later at a bar. He says, “Oh God, haha, my credit card is really feeling that weight of last night today.” 

So wait. I can’t go get food because you’re too cheap? Order soup!

The coffee shop that we went to happened to be hosting some kind of open mic poetry event. I LOVE poetry. Especially slam poetry, or any poetry that’s performed in person.  I might have been with a lame guy, but I went from an awesome museum to an awesome open mic session on one date. How lucky am I? We ordered our drinks at the register. (I got a Dirty Chai Latte - chai, milk and two shots of espresso. Magnif!) James pulled out his debit card, while I pulled out my cash, but the cashier had rung us up together. James looked at me and said, “Can I just pay you back?” So I paid for coffee. As we sat down, a man running the poetry event came up to ask for donations. I was happy to give him a couple bucks, but instead he informed me about the requested donation of $3 each. Hmm, would James consider cutting off a corner of his card to give as a donation? So I paid for donations too.

The night spiraled down pretty quickly after that.  While my latte was curdling in my empty stomach and the performer on stage sang bravely on, James read a newspaper. It was about this time that I noticed his foot was definitely in my leg/chair/personal space. I moved my feet and ignored this. A few minutes later, his leg was in my space. I focused back on the show, and next time I turned, his arm was on my chair. Turn back again, his chair was just shy of an inch from mine. This guy is fucking Ninja Cat! I went to the bathroom just to get away.  

By this point, I had texted my friends that I was coming over, bringing boxed wine, and that I’d need the largest cup in the apartment to drink out of. I wanted to watch A Very Potter Musical, laugh til it hurts, and repair the remainder of my night. As we left, James attempted one more cuddle with “You’re cold? Aww,” and pulled me in close.  I wiggled free, then he wished me goodnight, and finally it was over. I had an excellent night with my friends afterwards. They fed me dinner. 

Some thoughts on this date: It didn’t really occur to me that it’s a big deal to get asked out by a girl. I think James took all the wrong messages from that which probably made my disinterest in his cuddling really confusing. I can’t believe how naive I was to think that because I’d decided to treat the date lightly, my date was going to think the same thing. I’ve really gotten to thinking about it, and boys see things so differently. They have a different role than girls do.  They usually do the asking, and girls (let’s be honest) are doing the rejecting. I think, in general, girls are more desensitized to flattery whereas boys don’t have any practice with such things. When they get asked out, it’s really easy to get excited. As a girl, I’d think, Alright, let’s see what happens. Boys just feel the flattery.  

So I’ve learned that you can change your attitude on dating - look at me, doing a 360 - but you can’t toy with the traditional rules in dating without explaining that clearly. Compare Charlie to James. I set up a date with him 3 months in advance, which should be weird, except that everything is out in the open. With James, I knew what I was doing - finding a nice guy to check out the museum with me - but he was on a totally different page. And because I’d asked him out to start with, he never looked past all of that to see that I wasn’t interested in getting closer. Truthfully, I wasn’t even interested in a second date. I think a little clarification of the concept of the date, at least according to me, might be the best route for next time. That way nobody is confused and I’ll have more happy dating. 

One last thing: On the date, I asked James about his homeland, and all I got was, “All of England is shit. The entire country.” Well that just can’t be right. Maybe I should ask out one of the other British guys to find out?

An Ode to My Role Model

I just want to explain, for the record, that I didn’t come up with this idea out of the blue. And if I had, I certainly wouldn’t have had any confidence in it. The truth is, I have a role model who inspired me. She’s single just like me, but she’s gone on more dates than I can count (and I’m sure I’ve only heard about half of them) without ever coming to the conclusion that finding the right guy is a lost cause. We’ve talked about it -- she knows what she’s looking for in a relationship, but she isn’t picturing Mr. Perfect or looking for one hell of a resume. She just hasn’t found a good guy yet, and knows that that’s perfectly fine. 

Instead, she does what I should have been doing for a long time, which is taking opportunities and dating all kinds of people. And her goal with the whole thing? To have good stories. This is something I never would have done. I would say, “These are people too -- you can’t go playing with them like that!” And I would worry that I don’t want to play with my emotions either. Too messy. On top of that, spending time in awkward situations is exhausting. I wish I had some magical talent of being impermeable to awkwardness. Who wouldn’t love that? (Maybe this isn’t PC, but I was just thinking that I’d come close to that magic with Asperger’s.) It would make any date a cinch. Overall, I kept up the plan to only say yes to dates that I'm at least mildly hopeful will turn out well. 

Not Amy. Guys will ask her out, the kind of guys no girl wants to say yes to, and she'll go. I was once horrified that I was hanging out with a guy I’d just met, and in a lull in conversation he said, “So...do you wanna make out?” I’d just met him! But Amy just rolled her eyes and told me that she’s had far worse interactions with men. And then she told me just how much worse. I’d actually already heard the story of her senior prom date, but this story never ceases to amaze me. This guy at school asked her to prom and then because she said yes, he got the idea that they were dating or something similar. She went to hang out at his house, where they sat in the family room, on the couch awkwardly, because his grandmother, Granny, was sitting on a Lay Z Boy in her underpants in the room as well. Amy went to check her phone because she’d gotten a text, and it was from this guy. Sitting right next to her he’d texted, “Do you want to hold my hand?” With a smiley face! I wouldn’t even know how to respond. And then she still went to prom with him which was an adventure of its own. 

On another date, Amy went out for coffee with a guy, and he’d been texting with her a little bit before the date. They were sitting in Starbucks talking, and he seemed okay until a bunch of Arab men came into the store. At this point her date changed the subject to blatantly racist comments about these people, and how much he disliked them until he eventually asked if she and he could leave the store. So they went outside and were sitting down when he farted right next to her. The most I can say for this guy is that he actually owned up to it. 

On a more recent date, Amy met a guy on her flight home from New York. They discovered that they lived pretty close to each other and exchanged numbers. (Amy claims jet lag and sleep deprivation played a big part in her thinking this guy was normal.) Later they went on a date which was kind of boring. Her date told her how he’d been to three universities in the last three years, which Amy found interesting so she asked him why. He said he’d beaten up his roommate at the first two schools and got banned from returning to them. Amy concluded that she was on a date with a serial killer. She texted all of her friends, “If I don’t come home tonight, I’m dead. Not a joke.” Luckily she made it home safe and sound. 

And she continues to go on dates. Amy has seen far more of the world than me and gotten to know all kinds of people too. She wants to see even more places and meet more people in fact. She doesn’t mind the idea that traveling a lot makes relationships difficult to maintain. And she doesn’t take one moment to believe that she’ll be swept away on her next visit to Europe or South America or anything else. If she did, I think her practicality would still bring her back to the conclusion that those kinds of relationships are crazy, and certainly not what she wants. I’m honestly amazed at how clear-minded she is all the time. And the way that she’ll continue dating guys because "if it’s a bad date, it’s a good story." could just be the smartest thing I’ve ever heard of. It’s a no-lose scenario. So no matter what, my role model is doing the right thing, inspiring me on the side, and all and all, being a pretty brave soul with a really healthy outlook on the idea of dating.

Also a note about my date hunting: I found a guy that I’d like to ask out. He’s one of the exchange students and we have a class together. After class the other day, I waited for him at the door so we could walk out together and I could make my move. I got distracted for like, two seconds because my friend stopped to talk to me, and when I looked up, my future date had run off! I chased him out of the building, (in as dignified a manner as I could pull off) only to see him entering his dorm building already. But don’t worry, I have a plan to corner him this time. I’ll keep you posted. 

So...Charlie

Big news...you can read it in the comments from my first post anyway, but a guy asked me out right on the blog! (I’m trying to figure out how to make the comments display without requiring you to click the ‘comments’ link, work in progress.) I wasn’t sure whether to post anything about it, because it’s posted already. I also wasn’t sure if I had to say yes, because the rules were designed for people who aren’t in the know about the project. My first gray area in this project. After a little debate I decided that if I’m dating with no filter, then I can’t say no. How counterproductive is it to decline my very first request? So I talked to Sarah, our mutual friend, she passed along my number, and he texted me. Hmm, was shooting for a phone call. Oh well. 

After talking for a while, I began to wonder if this was cheating. Why am I talking and learning about him, when that’s what a date is for? Isn’t he supposed to ask me out? At this point, Charlie says, “So what did Sarah tell you about me?” and sadly, my honest answer was nothing. I would have been happy if she’d said, “oh you’ll like Charlie a lot,” or “he’s just a really cool guy,” but all I had learned was that he didn’t really like baseball.  I didn’t even have basics like university or hometown.

These basics would have been nice to know, because it was at here, after an hour of texting, that I discovered this kid lives TWO HOURS away. He goes, “I’ll give you two options. I can tell ya a lot about me now, or I can tell you a little and save the rest if you did want to go on a date. Now, the catch is I most likely won’t be back until November for Thanksgiving, or December for Christmas.” 

Well good, he asked me out. And caused a clusterfuck with everything else. I still have to find a date for September, but I may have lined one up for November or December, which is nice. (I’d been thinking that hunting in December could be pretty difficult.) In the mean time, do I talk with him? If I do, at what point does it become pointless to call the Nov/Dec date a “first date,” because we already know all that initial stuff? Or do we not talk at all for 2 ½ to 4 months? Waiting would be fine with me, except now that I talked with him, I’m kind of curious about Charlie. But I’m not keen on starting something because I don’t want to have some back-burner textversation thing when I’m supposed to be seeing guys. On dates. In real life. Is there such thing as a phone date? Is there any way to get around the geographic difference so we can have a real life date?

Gray area, gray area, gray area. I honestly thought all my rules were straightforward and comprehensive. Yet here at my first encounter, everything’s been thrown out the window. I feel like the project is the one taking me on an adventure, instead of me using it to try something new. There’s never a dull moment I guess. Let me know what you guys think, but for now my plan is to set the tentative date for Thanksgiving or Christmas, and not talk to Charlie until I’ve gone on a couple dates, and gotten my feet wet. On that note, I still need a date for this month, any ideas?

My Story

So here it is: I’m 20 years old and Prince Charming has not arrived on my doorstep yet. Average Joe is a little late too. In fact, nobody at all has done anything to indicate he wants to stay around me longer than a single hook up. Normally I don’t care because these facts occupy a tiny part of my brain when I have way more important shit to do everyday. It’s honestly not until summer hits, when I have the free time to daydream all day and an apartment to myself (which could use an occasional extra guest) that I suddenly feel this gaping hole in my life. And what can you do about it? All summer my siblings grappled with real issues like whether or not they’ll graduate next semester, or find a job that pays enough for rent and food, or if they should deliberately miss their flight home and stay abroad for an extra semester. Me, I sat on my couch desperately trying to live the glamorous single girl’s life, aching to see Sex and the City because I was sure Carrie would give me clues about how to deal with my loneliness better. Sadly, she didn’t. I have all the same components as her; great friends, work/school that I love doing, plans for going out in my city as often as possible, etc., etc. The only thing I’m missing is a Berger, an Aidan, or a Big. 

And the thing is, I’m not alone here. It took me forever to really talk about it with anyone. It’s a sucky issue. It’s painful and embarrassing and confusing. I was convinced that if I talked to my older sister, she would scoff at my ridiculousness. None of us wants to admit that we worry about finding someone who’s real.  And I don’t know about you guys, but I always want to appear as a strong, confident young woman, not the girl lying awake at night wondering why fate hates her so much. 

I know that the best anyone can tell me is, “Be patient. It’ll happen.” I just can’t do that anymore. I’m not a patient person at all. I can be patient if it’s calculated, if I know the payoff makes the patience worth it. But dear God, I can’t see what man on earth could possibly make all that pain and torture this summer worth the wait. I’d need a hundred men to make up for the time I spent feeling embarrassed that my biggest issue is about boys rather than real life stuff.

So while I could sit here and ask myself a variety of questions about why this is such as, “Where the hell is he?!” or, “What can’t boys see in me? Are they blind?” all roads lead to tears, puffy faces, and the deathtrap question: “What’s wrong with me?” The thing is, if you’re asking yourself this question, then I guarantee there are far worse girls out there who magically have boyfriends, boy toys, and fuck buddies all on speed dial. If boys will go after sluts, Stage 5 clingers, girls who drink their feelings and cry all night, and the ones who are blatantly just using men for their money, then there’s clearly no equation for how this works. 

So I decided I’m not gonna work on it anymore. No more wondering where he is. No more thinking that you’re too old to still be single. No more pining over some guy who talked to you a couple times and then nothing happened. Even if you think he’s actually really cool. Nope, I’m throwing in the towel on absolutely everything. The whole game of emotions and disappointed hopes. And instead, I’m going to start dating for the hell of it. Everybody and anybody. I’ve never done it before and it will be a delightful experiment, because the way I’m doing it, nothing’s going to come of it. I’ll date with no filter (or almost no filter), so 99% of the dates will be a waste of time (minus the long list of new restaurants I want to try) and in the next 8 months, I’ll get to have fun and see what fishies the sea has to offer. I’m taking a sampling of them all. 

Before I start on this endeavor, I thought a few things out first. Number one, I’ll change all the boys’ names when I talk about them here. Second, I’ll need help from some friends, so they’ll be in on my plan, but they aren’t telling anybody else about it. (You guys better not.) And lastly, total honesty on the blog. Some dates will be terrible. Some with be nice. And ideally, I’ll have a few that are so ridiculous or hilarious that you guys laugh harder than me when I share them.  

I also set out ground rules for this project. 

The rules:

1)  At least one new date every month, for the next 8 months.

2)  No dating guys I already know. (Unless they ask me out, then see Rule #3.)

3)  The Yes Clause

Part A: If a guy asks me out, I have to say yes. If I’m indifferent to the first date and he     asks me out again, I have to say yes. If he asks me out a third time and I’m still indifferent, he needs to get a clue. But, I guess I have to say yes. After that, I get to make my own decisions.

Part B: No forced dates. I don’t (and won’t) say yes to a guy who doesn’t actually want to go out with me, but some friends of mine talked him into it. No begging and no bribing, ladies. Just help me encourage the semi-interested ones. 

A note: Just to clarify, throwing in the towel is specifically in regards to waiting for Prince Charming. There is no reason to stop becoming even more of the Coolest Person Ever, ever.

I’ll post again when something (date or date request) happens. 

Let’s get started!