So, to pick up where we left off, Lucas left the next morning, and we began the process of getting to know each other all over again, as people outside of the athletic world. He texts me everyday, back and forth, up until practice. Then we enter the gym, give each other a casual nod, and practice as Alice and Lucas, regular teammates. I made it very clear that at practice, we are not together, and he’s been following suit perfectly. The most we do is discuss general topics of conversation. We’ve actually developed a sort of code language. “Do you have a lot of homework tonight?” means, “Can I come over?” “I really need a shower after this,” means, “I can’t wait to come over tonight.”
I don’t know how I missed this but I have to apologize for not explaining everything. Lucas is new to the team this year because he’s an international student from France, here on scholarship. Referred to as my “frenchie” by Amy (my role model). His english is really good and so far he really likes it here. Sorry I didn’t mention this. I forget he’s French!
Lucas is quickly discovering how busy I am, but I am pleased to announce that we had a real live date just one week after Saturday Night. It was absolutely awesome. We went grocery shopping (one of my favorites pastimes, not kidding), then we went back to my apartment where he cooked me au gratin from scratch. He used a blue cheese directly from France, and taught me how to tear and eat a baguette, just like a real French person. He claims it all came out perfectly. I’ll second that.
One of Lucas’s favorite things to do is ask me why I smile. Every time, I think of what a silly question this is. Smiling is a reflex, and I don’t even realize that I’m doing it. So when he asks me, I respond, “Because I like you.” Short and sweet. On our date however, I gave a real honest answer for once. Believe it or not, this is something I am working on. Opening up and sharing is not my forte to any degree, and this blog is a big kick in the pants to that weakness of mine. Putting my goal into practice, I told Lucas that I was smiling because I never expected to like hanging out with him so much. He’s such a nice guy, a real gentleman. On top of that, he’s lighthearted and funny, and he tells some really good stories. He’s also happy to teach me about politics in Europe and talk about regional politics here (one of my favorite topics), or get real and talk about his problems being a new student in the U.S. All in all, I’m likin’ this kid a lot.
After dinner, Lucas suggested we go to a party that our teammates were having. I knew that us arriving together was going to set off red flags for everyone there, but Lucas wanted to go, so I agreed. I walked in to a war zone. Everyone was so drunk that their mouths were running wild. One jealous teammate kept taunting, “Oooh, are you guys together?” This budding relationship is clearly not ready for public scrutiny, and my friend rescued me with an indignant “No, they’re not!” I nodded in agreement, but suddenly, I didn’t want to. I’m really excited about Lucas and I want to brag about him. He’s awesome! But you can’t just say things like that without other people putting words in your mouth and definitions on your relationship. I don’t have a clear idea in my head of what we’re doing, so how am I supposed to talk about it with everybody else?
I’ve spent the last week in total confusion. I like Lucas, and that’s pretty rare for me. People have asked me in the past if perhaps I have trouble dating because I am too selective. The thing is, I just don’t like people that much. It just doesn’t come very often, so when it does, I pretty much have no choice but to pay attention to it. On the other hand, he’s my teammate, and everyone will talk! There’s no room to think about what I want to do, because all the people around me want know what we’re doing too. And they want to know so much faster than I can figure it out. If I make things official now because it seems like that’s where things are going, I’ll feel like I wasn’t ready to do that. Everything about getting together with him seems like a mess.
On top of that, I can’t help but feel a small sense of loss. I had just gotten to the point where I was really happy being single. I enjoyed my life for what it was, I enjoyed the experience of putting myself out there for dating, and I no longer felt a pressing worry to find a solid relationship. I could have gone for the next 5 months without finding someone and been perfectly happy. Then life decided to throw an awesome guy into the mix, one who’s single and interested in me, and it feels like a slap in the face to all of the issues that I had just worked out. Life wants to do this to me now? You’ve got to be kidding.
All of these conflicting ideas have been a lot to process. For now the best advice I’ve heard (from both of my sisters actually) is to take everything day by day, decision by decision. With each choice I ask myself, do I want to do this or not? Take Lucas sending a text for example. Each time I read one, my phone asks me Reply? So far I’ve always chosen yes.
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