A thought that has really been captivating me lately is why we feel we should have a significant other. What makes us say, “By age 20, Prince Charming is late.” It’s not like he’s some prize I feel I deserve for making it into my twenties relatively intact. I haven’t crunched numbers and calculated that he should be here by now. And I’m not some princess trying to paint a fairy tale story over my life. No, I have this yearning desire for a boyfriend that pops into my head whether I want it there or not. Where did this idea come from? Is it entirely biological? How much of it is related to the media? Or does it come from our family values and upbringing?
It should just be biological shouldn’t it? I am at the peak of my attractiveness, I have hormones telling me what to think about and what to feel, and all around me, other human beings are constantly sending out pheromones saying, Let’s get physical! It’s as if life is some kind of musical chairs and nature says, “Don’t be the last one standing alone.”
Some days, I find it so tempting to listen to those persuasive chemicals in my body. I imagine going out whenever I’m feeling horny or a little wild and looking to have a good time. I set the bait and reel in a guy who will fill a need for the night. It’s fun. It’s exactly what I want to do and it has absolutely nothing to do with that guy’s feelings. But that’s where I get hung up. I said earlier that I treat boys’ feelings like fragile glass, and here’s where it plays out. (Among many scenarios). Unless everybody is 100% clear about the purpose of the night’s events, I can’t go toying with a boy just because he breathes and has a sex drive.
Once I accept that sad fact, I go back to thinking about my idea of a great relationship. Dealing with a guy’s feelings isn’t the part I want to avoid, it’s the part I look forward to. I don’t think about a hot hook-up, I think about that giddy feeling you get when you know somebody likes you and he or she did something that made your whole day. If I like someone, I have endless scenarios in my head where he says or does the perfect thing at the perfect moment, and that’s not biological, it’s all imagination. And the inspiration for these mental reels is fed to us all the time on movie screens.
Hollywood paints these awesome pictures of relationships, where you want nothing more than for the two leads to get together and love each other for the rest of forever. It’s exactly what you want to hear. And it doesn’t seem to matter how many chick flicks you have watched in your life, there’s always this hope that the next one is going to tell the story of your life with a happy ending. Movie producers have to know this. They make the same movie over and over that spouts lessons of love happening at the most unlikely time, and I think it’s because that’s what people are looking for; this feeling of a happily ever after just around the corner.
A friend showed me this article which explains how Hollywood’s lessons in the movies are total bullshit. I found it entertaining and I’ll definitely be a more savvy movie-goer now. (But I’m still going to watch the chick flicks.) Because whether or not I want to admit it, I am taking away lessons from my favorite movie relationships.
My longtime favorite is When Harry Met Sally. (If you haven’t seen it, you should. But for a quick synopsis, Harry is an asshole and Sally is high maintenance and they despise each other until they become best friends and eventually realize they are in love). I love it because Harry and Sally are characters that don’t define themselves by being single or by their past relationships. They become friends because rather than focusing on needing a significant other in their respective lives, they both put in the work for a genuine friendship and leave out the complications of building a relationship. In the meantime, the one they build together is awesome. I think that freedom and lack of pressure made all the difference for them.
I haven’t been trained to think I need a man. My parents never taught me that I should have somebody at my hip. My mother didn’t ask about boys, and I didn’t tell. I knew that I was totally fine with my boyfriendlessness, and I knew that she was fine with it too. I know some parents who think their kid is malfunctioning if he/she is not chasing tail by age 15, god, that pressure must be suffocating. I got really good advice from my role models, actually. They told me that I’m lucky to be single as a young adult because I get to figure out who I am all on my own, without another person influencing my thoughts and actions. I have also avoided the time and energy expenses of being with someone else. How lucky for me!
Obviously that doesn’t work. I can’t logic my way out of it. I still want somebody. You know what I want? Someone who gives great hugs. The kind where you just melt into it because you trust that person’s hug entirely, like by holding you, he can hold your whole life together. Whether it’s spinning out of control or not. And that he knows you enough to know when all you need is that one kind of comfort.
After all my thinking, I still don’t know what it is that makes us feel this way; everything I listed maybe plays a part, but none of them account for feeling a lack of intimacy. That has to come from somewhere deeper. And that part is the one, I’m learning, that always speaks the loudest.
I read a quote this week that I really liked:
Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing it is stupid.
I got to thinking about it and I changed it a little bit. I think it applies here better:
Everyone is lovable. But if you spend all your thinking you should have a lover right now, you’ll spend your whole life believing you need to be somebody else to be loved.
Ok, I need your help. When Harry Met Sally is good, but not the best love story out there. Tell me what your favorite love stories are. Please post anonymously!
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