James (He’s Bri-ish, not Briddish)

I would certainly call this date culturally enriching. In fact, the city and I had a wonderful time together. But I was on a date with a foreign exchange student, and that part wasn’t quite so filling. 

Basically, it was nearing the end of the month and still being sans date, I realized that I had to ask one out. I have a class with James, who is a study abroad student from Manchester, UK studying political science for the semester. He seemed nice enough, and I figured that if we have nothing in common, I’d at least get to hear him talk about England and I’d learn something. I asked him to a contemporary art museum with me, date set for 6:30 pm Friday evening. 

Real quickly, let’s just talk about the definition of a date. It’s a case-by-case thing at our age, and the rules get bendy. For the sake of consistency, I determined a few things. First, it’s not a date if one of the people doesn’t know it’s a date. “Remember our first date?” “Oh, are you talking about that time we hung out and went bowling?” Doesn’t work. Next, you have to have something to do. An activity. If all we do is get coffee, all we have to do is talk, and what if listening to this guy is worse than hearing nails on a chalkboard? Next, some sort of food/beverage should be included. Eating or drinking are social acts so I figure they should be part of the program. 

I picked James for the date because he’s friendly in class and didn’t seem all that interested in me, so I was hoping a date wouldn’t be super special to him. Plus I thought he might like to see more of the area around campus. I’m working at this new carefree dating style, which means that a date isn’t a big deal, filled with expectations and hopes. It’s something close to hanging out with a stranger on good terms, because what do you have to lose doing that? So we went to the museum, a first-time visit for both of us.  I didn’t think I was gonna be into the contemporary art scene, but this was seriously awesome. There was an artist from France giving a presentation, and we ducked in to hear the last 20 minutes of that. Definitely check out his most recently completed project, The Machines de l’île. I could have stayed longer, but James was on his phone and itouch simultaneously, looking bored. Maybe he was just tired of standing.

After we left the museum, I was starving so I asked if he wanted to go get food somewhere. As we’re walking towards a restaurant, he kept bringing up coffee and how he likes coffee so much, blah blah blah. Finally he goes, “Well you can get something, I’ll probably just get something light, or a water.” I’m like, Fine! We’ll go get coffee if that’s what you want. I’m not gonna sit and have you watch me eat. As we’re walking to a local coffee place, he tells me all about his previous night spent at Olive Garden and later at a bar. He says, “Oh God, haha, my credit card is really feeling that weight of last night today.” 

So wait. I can’t go get food because you’re too cheap? Order soup!

The coffee shop that we went to happened to be hosting some kind of open mic poetry event. I LOVE poetry. Especially slam poetry, or any poetry that’s performed in person.  I might have been with a lame guy, but I went from an awesome museum to an awesome open mic session on one date. How lucky am I? We ordered our drinks at the register. (I got a Dirty Chai Latte - chai, milk and two shots of espresso. Magnif!) James pulled out his debit card, while I pulled out my cash, but the cashier had rung us up together. James looked at me and said, “Can I just pay you back?” So I paid for coffee. As we sat down, a man running the poetry event came up to ask for donations. I was happy to give him a couple bucks, but instead he informed me about the requested donation of $3 each. Hmm, would James consider cutting off a corner of his card to give as a donation? So I paid for donations too.

The night spiraled down pretty quickly after that.  While my latte was curdling in my empty stomach and the performer on stage sang bravely on, James read a newspaper. It was about this time that I noticed his foot was definitely in my leg/chair/personal space. I moved my feet and ignored this. A few minutes later, his leg was in my space. I focused back on the show, and next time I turned, his arm was on my chair. Turn back again, his chair was just shy of an inch from mine. This guy is fucking Ninja Cat! I went to the bathroom just to get away.  

By this point, I had texted my friends that I was coming over, bringing boxed wine, and that I’d need the largest cup in the apartment to drink out of. I wanted to watch A Very Potter Musical, laugh til it hurts, and repair the remainder of my night. As we left, James attempted one more cuddle with “You’re cold? Aww,” and pulled me in close.  I wiggled free, then he wished me goodnight, and finally it was over. I had an excellent night with my friends afterwards. They fed me dinner. 

Some thoughts on this date: It didn’t really occur to me that it’s a big deal to get asked out by a girl. I think James took all the wrong messages from that which probably made my disinterest in his cuddling really confusing. I can’t believe how naive I was to think that because I’d decided to treat the date lightly, my date was going to think the same thing. I’ve really gotten to thinking about it, and boys see things so differently. They have a different role than girls do.  They usually do the asking, and girls (let’s be honest) are doing the rejecting. I think, in general, girls are more desensitized to flattery whereas boys don’t have any practice with such things. When they get asked out, it’s really easy to get excited. As a girl, I’d think, Alright, let’s see what happens. Boys just feel the flattery.  

So I’ve learned that you can change your attitude on dating - look at me, doing a 360 - but you can’t toy with the traditional rules in dating without explaining that clearly. Compare Charlie to James. I set up a date with him 3 months in advance, which should be weird, except that everything is out in the open. With James, I knew what I was doing - finding a nice guy to check out the museum with me - but he was on a totally different page. And because I’d asked him out to start with, he never looked past all of that to see that I wasn’t interested in getting closer. Truthfully, I wasn’t even interested in a second date. I think a little clarification of the concept of the date, at least according to me, might be the best route for next time. That way nobody is confused and I’ll have more happy dating. 

One last thing: On the date, I asked James about his homeland, and all I got was, “All of England is shit. The entire country.” Well that just can’t be right. Maybe I should ask out one of the other British guys to find out?

An Ode to My Role Model

I just want to explain, for the record, that I didn’t come up with this idea out of the blue. And if I had, I certainly wouldn’t have had any confidence in it. The truth is, I have a role model who inspired me. She’s single just like me, but she’s gone on more dates than I can count (and I’m sure I’ve only heard about half of them) without ever coming to the conclusion that finding the right guy is a lost cause. We’ve talked about it -- she knows what she’s looking for in a relationship, but she isn’t picturing Mr. Perfect or looking for one hell of a resume. She just hasn’t found a good guy yet, and knows that that’s perfectly fine. 

Instead, she does what I should have been doing for a long time, which is taking opportunities and dating all kinds of people. And her goal with the whole thing? To have good stories. This is something I never would have done. I would say, “These are people too -- you can’t go playing with them like that!” And I would worry that I don’t want to play with my emotions either. Too messy. On top of that, spending time in awkward situations is exhausting. I wish I had some magical talent of being impermeable to awkwardness. Who wouldn’t love that? (Maybe this isn’t PC, but I was just thinking that I’d come close to that magic with Asperger’s.) It would make any date a cinch. Overall, I kept up the plan to only say yes to dates that I'm at least mildly hopeful will turn out well. 

Not Amy. Guys will ask her out, the kind of guys no girl wants to say yes to, and she'll go. I was once horrified that I was hanging out with a guy I’d just met, and in a lull in conversation he said, “So...do you wanna make out?” I’d just met him! But Amy just rolled her eyes and told me that she’s had far worse interactions with men. And then she told me just how much worse. I’d actually already heard the story of her senior prom date, but this story never ceases to amaze me. This guy at school asked her to prom and then because she said yes, he got the idea that they were dating or something similar. She went to hang out at his house, where they sat in the family room, on the couch awkwardly, because his grandmother, Granny, was sitting on a Lay Z Boy in her underpants in the room as well. Amy went to check her phone because she’d gotten a text, and it was from this guy. Sitting right next to her he’d texted, “Do you want to hold my hand?” With a smiley face! I wouldn’t even know how to respond. And then she still went to prom with him which was an adventure of its own. 

On another date, Amy went out for coffee with a guy, and he’d been texting with her a little bit before the date. They were sitting in Starbucks talking, and he seemed okay until a bunch of Arab men came into the store. At this point her date changed the subject to blatantly racist comments about these people, and how much he disliked them until he eventually asked if she and he could leave the store. So they went outside and were sitting down when he farted right next to her. The most I can say for this guy is that he actually owned up to it. 

On a more recent date, Amy met a guy on her flight home from New York. They discovered that they lived pretty close to each other and exchanged numbers. (Amy claims jet lag and sleep deprivation played a big part in her thinking this guy was normal.) Later they went on a date which was kind of boring. Her date told her how he’d been to three universities in the last three years, which Amy found interesting so she asked him why. He said he’d beaten up his roommate at the first two schools and got banned from returning to them. Amy concluded that she was on a date with a serial killer. She texted all of her friends, “If I don’t come home tonight, I’m dead. Not a joke.” Luckily she made it home safe and sound. 

And she continues to go on dates. Amy has seen far more of the world than me and gotten to know all kinds of people too. She wants to see even more places and meet more people in fact. She doesn’t mind the idea that traveling a lot makes relationships difficult to maintain. And she doesn’t take one moment to believe that she’ll be swept away on her next visit to Europe or South America or anything else. If she did, I think her practicality would still bring her back to the conclusion that those kinds of relationships are crazy, and certainly not what she wants. I’m honestly amazed at how clear-minded she is all the time. And the way that she’ll continue dating guys because "if it’s a bad date, it’s a good story." could just be the smartest thing I’ve ever heard of. It’s a no-lose scenario. So no matter what, my role model is doing the right thing, inspiring me on the side, and all and all, being a pretty brave soul with a really healthy outlook on the idea of dating.

Also a note about my date hunting: I found a guy that I’d like to ask out. He’s one of the exchange students and we have a class together. After class the other day, I waited for him at the door so we could walk out together and I could make my move. I got distracted for like, two seconds because my friend stopped to talk to me, and when I looked up, my future date had run off! I chased him out of the building, (in as dignified a manner as I could pull off) only to see him entering his dorm building already. But don’t worry, I have a plan to corner him this time. I’ll keep you posted. 

So...Charlie

Big news...you can read it in the comments from my first post anyway, but a guy asked me out right on the blog! (I’m trying to figure out how to make the comments display without requiring you to click the ‘comments’ link, work in progress.) I wasn’t sure whether to post anything about it, because it’s posted already. I also wasn’t sure if I had to say yes, because the rules were designed for people who aren’t in the know about the project. My first gray area in this project. After a little debate I decided that if I’m dating with no filter, then I can’t say no. How counterproductive is it to decline my very first request? So I talked to Sarah, our mutual friend, she passed along my number, and he texted me. Hmm, was shooting for a phone call. Oh well. 

After talking for a while, I began to wonder if this was cheating. Why am I talking and learning about him, when that’s what a date is for? Isn’t he supposed to ask me out? At this point, Charlie says, “So what did Sarah tell you about me?” and sadly, my honest answer was nothing. I would have been happy if she’d said, “oh you’ll like Charlie a lot,” or “he’s just a really cool guy,” but all I had learned was that he didn’t really like baseball.  I didn’t even have basics like university or hometown.

These basics would have been nice to know, because it was at here, after an hour of texting, that I discovered this kid lives TWO HOURS away. He goes, “I’ll give you two options. I can tell ya a lot about me now, or I can tell you a little and save the rest if you did want to go on a date. Now, the catch is I most likely won’t be back until November for Thanksgiving, or December for Christmas.” 

Well good, he asked me out. And caused a clusterfuck with everything else. I still have to find a date for September, but I may have lined one up for November or December, which is nice. (I’d been thinking that hunting in December could be pretty difficult.) In the mean time, do I talk with him? If I do, at what point does it become pointless to call the Nov/Dec date a “first date,” because we already know all that initial stuff? Or do we not talk at all for 2 ½ to 4 months? Waiting would be fine with me, except now that I talked with him, I’m kind of curious about Charlie. But I’m not keen on starting something because I don’t want to have some back-burner textversation thing when I’m supposed to be seeing guys. On dates. In real life. Is there such thing as a phone date? Is there any way to get around the geographic difference so we can have a real life date?

Gray area, gray area, gray area. I honestly thought all my rules were straightforward and comprehensive. Yet here at my first encounter, everything’s been thrown out the window. I feel like the project is the one taking me on an adventure, instead of me using it to try something new. There’s never a dull moment I guess. Let me know what you guys think, but for now my plan is to set the tentative date for Thanksgiving or Christmas, and not talk to Charlie until I’ve gone on a couple dates, and gotten my feet wet. On that note, I still need a date for this month, any ideas?

My Story

So here it is: I’m 20 years old and Prince Charming has not arrived on my doorstep yet. Average Joe is a little late too. In fact, nobody at all has done anything to indicate he wants to stay around me longer than a single hook up. Normally I don’t care because these facts occupy a tiny part of my brain when I have way more important shit to do everyday. It’s honestly not until summer hits, when I have the free time to daydream all day and an apartment to myself (which could use an occasional extra guest) that I suddenly feel this gaping hole in my life. And what can you do about it? All summer my siblings grappled with real issues like whether or not they’ll graduate next semester, or find a job that pays enough for rent and food, or if they should deliberately miss their flight home and stay abroad for an extra semester. Me, I sat on my couch desperately trying to live the glamorous single girl’s life, aching to see Sex and the City because I was sure Carrie would give me clues about how to deal with my loneliness better. Sadly, she didn’t. I have all the same components as her; great friends, work/school that I love doing, plans for going out in my city as often as possible, etc., etc. The only thing I’m missing is a Berger, an Aidan, or a Big. 

And the thing is, I’m not alone here. It took me forever to really talk about it with anyone. It’s a sucky issue. It’s painful and embarrassing and confusing. I was convinced that if I talked to my older sister, she would scoff at my ridiculousness. None of us wants to admit that we worry about finding someone who’s real.  And I don’t know about you guys, but I always want to appear as a strong, confident young woman, not the girl lying awake at night wondering why fate hates her so much. 

I know that the best anyone can tell me is, “Be patient. It’ll happen.” I just can’t do that anymore. I’m not a patient person at all. I can be patient if it’s calculated, if I know the payoff makes the patience worth it. But dear God, I can’t see what man on earth could possibly make all that pain and torture this summer worth the wait. I’d need a hundred men to make up for the time I spent feeling embarrassed that my biggest issue is about boys rather than real life stuff.

So while I could sit here and ask myself a variety of questions about why this is such as, “Where the hell is he?!” or, “What can’t boys see in me? Are they blind?” all roads lead to tears, puffy faces, and the deathtrap question: “What’s wrong with me?” The thing is, if you’re asking yourself this question, then I guarantee there are far worse girls out there who magically have boyfriends, boy toys, and fuck buddies all on speed dial. If boys will go after sluts, Stage 5 clingers, girls who drink their feelings and cry all night, and the ones who are blatantly just using men for their money, then there’s clearly no equation for how this works. 

So I decided I’m not gonna work on it anymore. No more wondering where he is. No more thinking that you’re too old to still be single. No more pining over some guy who talked to you a couple times and then nothing happened. Even if you think he’s actually really cool. Nope, I’m throwing in the towel on absolutely everything. The whole game of emotions and disappointed hopes. And instead, I’m going to start dating for the hell of it. Everybody and anybody. I’ve never done it before and it will be a delightful experiment, because the way I’m doing it, nothing’s going to come of it. I’ll date with no filter (or almost no filter), so 99% of the dates will be a waste of time (minus the long list of new restaurants I want to try) and in the next 8 months, I’ll get to have fun and see what fishies the sea has to offer. I’m taking a sampling of them all. 

Before I start on this endeavor, I thought a few things out first. Number one, I’ll change all the boys’ names when I talk about them here. Second, I’ll need help from some friends, so they’ll be in on my plan, but they aren’t telling anybody else about it. (You guys better not.) And lastly, total honesty on the blog. Some dates will be terrible. Some with be nice. And ideally, I’ll have a few that are so ridiculous or hilarious that you guys laugh harder than me when I share them.  

I also set out ground rules for this project. 

The rules:

1)  At least one new date every month, for the next 8 months.

2)  No dating guys I already know. (Unless they ask me out, then see Rule #3.)

3)  The Yes Clause

Part A: If a guy asks me out, I have to say yes. If I’m indifferent to the first date and he     asks me out again, I have to say yes. If he asks me out a third time and I’m still indifferent, he needs to get a clue. But, I guess I have to say yes. After that, I get to make my own decisions.

Part B: No forced dates. I don’t (and won’t) say yes to a guy who doesn’t actually want to go out with me, but some friends of mine talked him into it. No begging and no bribing, ladies. Just help me encourage the semi-interested ones. 

A note: Just to clarify, throwing in the towel is specifically in regards to waiting for Prince Charming. There is no reason to stop becoming even more of the Coolest Person Ever, ever.

I’ll post again when something (date or date request) happens. 

Let’s get started!