The Triple Threat

Let’s go all way back to the beginning of the blog, when I wrote The First Post, and a boy named Charlie left me a comment asking me out. It turned out that Charlie goes to school about 2 hours away from me, but he told me he would be back home for Thanksgiving or Christmas break. The holiday season is now upon us, and with everything that was going on with Lucas, I paused before calling Charlie up to talk about our planned date. In the end I decided that there is no way I can cancel on a guy who’s been waiting 2½ months to go on a date with me, whether or not the date will be an actual date.

In the meantime, I have continued to see Lucas outside of practice. I have such a good time hanging out with him, and I’ve been working through my concerns with public scrutiny and a relationship. We’d decided a couple weeks ago that Lucas was coming back to my parents’ house for Thanksgiving weekend, and I was trying to set up plans with old friends that I only ever see during the holidays. Lucas said to me, “I will stay with you for everything if that is ok.” I thought, Sure! You can totally come along for everything. Except for this one little date with a different guy that I have to go on...you can’t come to that. (Talk about awkward.) I tried to hedge, but Lucas persisted, “Why can’t I go with you?” he asked. You just can’t! Ok? How do you answer that?

Just to spice things up further, I got asked out on a date by a third guy.  One afternoon last week, I went on Facebook to discover a message from a guy I played soccer with over the summer. We have mutual friends that I’m very close with and he is too, but overall, I wouldn’t have quite called us friends. Friendly-acquaintances-that-could-eventually-be-friends, maybe, but we were not at that point yet. I also happen to know that this guy, Jordan, just got out of a relationship and (call me naive here, I think I deserve it) I thought maybe he just needs an open ear. Someone who isn’t involved in his ex’s side, someone who isn’t really involved in his side, someone who could be relatively neutral and definitely non-judgmental. I think in all honestly, I just was wracking my brain to come up with some explanation, any explanation, for why on Earth this kid would think to ask me out. Well he did it. Gave me his phone number and everything, saying that he would call me later to make concrete plans. 

A Date with Lucas

So, to pick up where we left off, Lucas left the next morning, and we began the process of getting to know each other all over again, as people outside of the athletic world. He texts me everyday, back and forth, up until practice. Then we enter the gym, give each other a casual nod, and practice as Alice and Lucas, regular teammates. I made it very clear that at practice, we are not together, and he’s been following suit perfectly. The most we do is discuss general topics of conversation. We’ve actually developed a sort of code language. “Do you have a lot of homework tonight?” means, “Can I come over?” “I really need a shower after this,” means, “I can’t wait to come over tonight.”

I don’t know how I missed this but I have to apologize for not explaining everything. Lucas is new to the team this year because he’s an international student from France, here on scholarship.  Referred to as my “frenchie” by Amy (my role model). His english is really good and so far he really likes it here. Sorry I didn’t mention this. I forget he’s French!

Lucas is quickly discovering how busy I am, but I am pleased to announce that we had a real live date just one week after Saturday Night. It was absolutely awesome. We went grocery shopping (one of my favorites pastimes, not kidding), then we went back to my apartment where he cooked me au gratin from scratch. He used a blue cheese directly from France, and taught me how to tear and eat a baguette, just like a real French person. He claims it all came out perfectly. I’ll second that.

One of Lucas’s favorite things to do is ask me why I smile. Every time, I think of what a silly question this is. Smiling is a reflex, and I don’t even realize that I’m doing it. So when he asks me, I respond, “Because I like you.” Short and sweet. On our date however, I gave a real honest answer for once. Believe it or not, this is something I am working on. Opening up and sharing is not my forte to any degree, and this blog is a big kick in the pants to that weakness of mine. Putting my goal into practice, I told Lucas that I was smiling because I never expected to like hanging out with him so much. He’s such a nice guy, a real gentleman. On top of that, he’s lighthearted and funny, and he tells some really good stories. He’s also happy to teach me about politics in Europe and talk about regional politics here (one of my favorite topics), or get real and talk about his problems being a new student in the U.S. All in all, I’m likin’ this kid a lot.

A Boy Named Lucas

So...I think this is a big post. I’ve broken just about every rule on dating that I can, but I think I have a guy that I really like. A keeper. His name is Lucas (pronounced “Luke-ah”).

I’ve known Lucas for about 2 and a half months --basically since the beginning of school this year-- and I didn’t realize that I Liked him until about two weeks ago. I have no idea how it works for everybody else, but for me it goes like this: I’m so happy, I have a cool new friend. Wow, he’s really cool! It’s the best whenever he’s around! Doesn’t everybody think he’s awesome, just like me? No, it’s just me? Oh shit. And that’s when everything changes. I never seem to like guys that are entirely available or reasonable choices. Maybe it’s the “thrill of a challenge” that plays a part.

Anyway, Lucas was entirely unavailable in my mind because he is my teammate. I have forever spouted the rule that I will NEVER date a teammate. Being a student-athlete is a job, and your teammates are your coworkers. When I go to practice, I’m there to work, and I do not want distractions or feelings getting in the way of productive training. Lucas is especially important because he’s better than me and thus very good to work with. Also, I see my teammates 5 or 6 days a week. We practice at school three days a week, and we drive 45 minutes through rush hour to practice outside of school twice a week. We compete every weekend and travel on the bus together. When Friday night comes, someone makes plans and we all hang out together. Some of us even live together. Bottom line: It’s A LOT of time. 

My concerns were enough to make me think that I would ignore my little crush and move on. I mean, I’m doing a dating project, so I didn’t think fresh dating opportunities (a.k.a. distractions) were going to be sparse. Then Saturday Night happened. I was at a chill party with some teammates and some other people, just hanging out and drinking. Lucas and I were talking, and he was rubbing my arm, and then I wasn’t paying attention, and next thing I know, we’re making out. Later he walked me home, I brought him upstairs, and he spent the night.

First this happened...

Then this happened.

So that was a turn of events, to say the least.

[And disclaimer: I’ve thought about putting this post up for a while, but I struggled with really putting everything out there when it’s early in the game. (Yet the game continues! So no worries.)]

Maya Angelou

I read this and thought it was too valuable not to share. I hope you find it as powerful and empowering as I do.

Thoughts on Dating, Vol. I

 A thought that has really been captivating me lately is why we feel we should have a significant other. What makes us say, “By age 20, Prince Charming is late.” It’s not like he’s some prize I feel I deserve for making it into my twenties relatively intact. I haven’t crunched numbers and calculated that he should be here by now. And I’m not some princess trying to paint a fairy tale story over my life. No, I have this yearning desire for a boyfriend that pops into my head whether I want it there or not. Where did this idea come from? Is it entirely biological? How much of it is related to the media? Or does it come from our family values and upbringing? 

It should just be biological shouldn’t it? I am at the peak of my attractiveness, I have hormones telling me what to think about and what to feel, and all around me, other human beings are constantly sending out pheromones saying, Let’s get physical! It’s as if life is some kind of musical chairs and nature says, “Don’t be the last one standing alone.” 

Some days, I find it so tempting to listen to those persuasive chemicals in my body. I imagine going out whenever I’m feeling horny or a little wild and looking to have a good time. I set the bait and reel in a guy who will fill a need for the night. It’s fun. It’s exactly what I want to do and it has absolutely nothing to do with that guy’s feelings. But that’s where I get hung up. I said earlier that I treat boys’ feelings like fragile glass, and here’s where it plays out. (Among many scenarios). Unless everybody is 100% clear about the purpose of the night’s events, I can’t go toying with a boy just because he breathes and has a sex drive. 

Once I accept that sad fact, I go back to thinking about my idea of a great relationship.  Dealing with a guy’s feelings isn’t the part I want to avoid, it’s the part I look forward to.  I don’t think about a hot hook-up, I think about that giddy feeling you get when you know somebody likes you and he or she did something that made your whole day. If I like someone, I have endless scenarios in my head where he says or does the perfect thing at the perfect moment, and that’s not biological, it’s all imagination. And the inspiration for these mental reels is fed to us all the time on movie screens.  

Hollywood paints these awesome pictures of relationships, where you want nothing more than for the two leads to get together and love each other for the rest of forever. It’s exactly what you want to hear.  And it doesn’t seem to matter how many chick flicks you have watched in your life, there’s always this hope that the next one is going to tell the story of your life with a happy ending. Movie producers have to know this. They make the same movie over and over that spouts lessons of love happening at the most unlikely time, and I think it’s because that’s what people are looking for; this feeling of a happily ever after just around the corner. 

A friend showed me this article which explains how Hollywood’s lessons in the movies are total bullshit. I found it entertaining and I’ll definitely be a more savvy movie-goer now.  (But I’m still going to watch the chick flicks.) Because whether or not I want to admit it, I am taking away lessons from my favorite movie relationships. 

My longtime favorite is When Harry Met Sally. (If you haven’t seen it, you should. But for a quick synopsis, Harry is an asshole and Sally is high maintenance and they despise each other until they become best friends and eventually realize they are in love).  I love it because Harry and Sally are characters that don’t define themselves by being single or by their past relationships. They become friends because rather than focusing on needing a significant other in their respective lives, they both put in the work for a genuine friendship and leave out the complications of building a relationship. In the meantime, the one they build together is awesome. I think that freedom and lack of pressure made all the difference for them.

I haven’t been trained to think I need a man. My parents never taught me that I should have somebody at my hip. My mother didn’t ask about boys, and I didn’t tell. I knew that I was totally fine with my boyfriendlessness, and I knew that she was fine with it too. I know some parents who think their kid is malfunctioning if he/she is not chasing tail by age 15, god, that pressure must be suffocating. I got really good advice from my role models, actually. They told me that I’m lucky to be single as a young adult because I get to figure out who I am all on my own, without another person influencing my thoughts and actions. I have also avoided the time and energy expenses of being with someone else. How lucky for me! 

Obviously that doesn’t work. I can’t logic my way out of it. I still want somebody. You know what I want? Someone who gives great hugs. The kind where you just melt into it because you trust that person’s hug entirely, like by holding you, he can hold your whole life together. Whether it’s spinning out of control or not. And that he knows you enough to know when all you need is that one kind of comfort.   

After all my thinking, I still don’t know what it is that makes us feel this way; everything I listed maybe plays a part, but none of them account for feeling a lack of intimacy. That has to come from somewhere deeper. And that part is the one, I’m learning, that always speaks the loudest.

I read a quote this week that I really liked:

Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing it is stupid.

I got to thinking about it and I changed it a little bit. I think it applies here better:

Everyone is lovable. But if you spend all your thinking you should have a lover right now, you’ll spend your whole life believing you need to be somebody else to be loved. 

Ok, I need your help. When Harry Met Sally is good, but not the best love story out there. Tell me what your favorite love stories are.  Please post anonymously!

Ode Jokes

I had just a few things that didn’t really fit into any of the posts about Ode, but I still wanted to share them. Here they are:

After our first date (remember I said that Ode gave good compliments the whole time, without being creepy) he texted me the day afterward with just one more. He said, “Btw, I really liked how your sodalite necklace matched your eyes last night. Quite beautiful.” That’s what I get for dating a geology major.

Ode really likes to throw out the race card during casual conversation. He says he’s comfortable with being black, and everybody should be comfortable with him being black too. So while we were at the apple orchard, His friend Steph and I knelt down to play with a family’s puppy which was so cute! Ode came over to play with the puppy too, and the puppy had black fur, so I asked Ode, “Oh, do you two get along really well?” 

You can imagine that a touchy topic like whether two people decide it they’re dating or not would probably be a conversation held face-to-face. But Ode asked me that question over a text. I had no idea where it was coming from, except that at the end of the question he said, “just for charity.” The night before, I had talked to him and a friend who was describing charity dating and how it works, so I put two and two together. Charity dating...that must be what Ode is up to! Well what a gentleman I thought, to ask me first. No. That child and his inability to proofread his texts meant that he intended to say clarity, and his phone sent charity. He said, “I’m not doing any dating charity, Silly.” Heh heh heh. Well, it’s a little funny I guess.