I hope everybody’s holidays went well! Mine were really exhausting. I’ve never left Christmas shopping to the last minute like this before. It’s nerve-wracking! Apart from that, my whole family came home to be together for the weekend, and it was really nice. Currently I’m looking forward to crashing a New Years’ party tonight. Happy 2012 everyone!
One person who isn’t here celebrating for the holidays is Lucas. He went back to France to spend Christmas with his family and see his friends. He said everyone at home has lots of questions about me, because I’m now officially his girlfriend, and he’s my boyfriend. I couldn’t be happier about it. (I don’t want to speak for Lucas, but I think he’s pretty happy too.)
The last time I talked about him, I named a thousand reasons why I liked Lucas, but I still found myself scared to jump off the cliff into a full-on relationship. Having never started a relationship before, I didn’t know what speed bumps lie ahead, and to be honest, I was terrified to mess anything up. I have no idea what the first steps into that territory look like. It’s not that I wasn’t clear on what to say. Lucas asked me like once a week, “So I’m your boyfriend and you’re my girlfriend now?” At first I said, “No no no, this just started, and that’s a big commitment.” It quickly became clear that my focus was all on him and he was set on me, but I was still being cautious. I spent months and months being single and trying to find a guy worth his salt, but I never considered how to proceed from there.
When I pictured myself getting into a relationship, I didn’t picture leaving anything behind. I thought once I had somebody, the label would make it official and this status would make sense as the only obvious thing to do (and the world would be sunshine and rainbows like a Lisa Frank notebook). A little naive, I admit it. I had a rather black-and-white view of things.
Of course, my life is a whole lot of gray. When I first hooked up with Lucas, sure I had a crush on him, but I wasn’t looking for anybody. I loved my single life! Every date was an adventure! And if the guys I saw weren’t so great, then the things I learned about myself through their dates were worth every awkward or rude moment in existence. When I’m with Lucas, however, I have no problem brushing all these thoughts aside. I learn more about myself and about him everyday. The more I get to know him, the more awesome he becomes. So, on one hand I love being with Lucas, but on the other, I was very reluctant to let go of my hard-earned single-girl confidence. I could see myself being totally happy with both options. Hmm... How should I decide? I already knew how to be a happy single girl -- what’s it like to fumble into a relationship with a really great guy? Especially if that scary new relationship is what I really want.
I came to realize that everything about this blog has been pushing me to fight through uncomfortable feelings. I fought through bad dates trying to ineptly cuddle with me, boys who are super interested and can’t see that I’m not, and one deliciously tempting boy who breaks all of my well crafted rules on suitable date material (read: no teammates). Not to mention all of the insecurity, pain, and loneliness I’d felt about being single that I’d kept bottled up before starting this dating project. And I thought, if I can get through all of that without having any idea how it will turn out, then I can definitely start this without having any idea what I’m doing. It’s easy actually; all I have to do is take it day by day.
In the end, my subconscious self did the rest of the work. Lucas spent the night at my place and I woke up wrapped in his arms. I rolled over to face him and said, “So you’re my boyfriend now,” with a big smile on my face. Then, with a shock, I woke up fully. “Alice, what were you thinking?” my cautious side screamed. “You can’t just say stuff like that out of nowhere! You can’t take that back!” But none of it mattered. Lucas was still asleep and hadn’t heard me at all. However, I’d heard myself, so when he asked me again the next night if I was his girlfriend and he was my boyfriend, I said, “Yeah, yeah I am.”
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