Discourse and Dialogue for Lucas

I hope everybody’s holidays went well! Mine were really exhausting. I’ve never left Christmas shopping to the last minute like this before. It’s nerve-wracking! Apart from that, my whole family came home to be together for the weekend, and it was really nice. Currently I’m looking forward to crashing a New Years’ party tonight.  Happy 2012 everyone!

One person who isn’t here celebrating for the holidays is Lucas. He went back to France to spend Christmas with his family and see his friends. He said everyone at home has lots of questions about me, because I’m now officially his girlfriend, and he’s my boyfriend. I couldn’t be happier about it. (I don’t want to speak for Lucas, but I think he’s pretty happy too.)

The last time I talked about him, I named a thousand reasons why I liked Lucas, but I still found myself scared to jump off the cliff into a full-on relationship. Having never started a relationship before, I didn’t know what speed bumps lie ahead, and to be honest, I was terrified to mess anything up. I have no idea what the first steps into that territory look like. It’s not that I wasn’t clear on what to say. Lucas asked me like once a week, “So I’m your boyfriend and you’re my girlfriend now?” At first I said, “No no no, this just started, and that’s a big commitment.” It quickly became clear that my focus was all on him and he was set on me, but I was still being cautious. I spent months and months being single and trying to find a guy worth his salt, but I never considered how to proceed from there.

When I pictured myself getting into a relationship, I didn’t picture leaving anything behind. I thought once I had somebody, the label would make it official and this status would make sense as the only obvious thing to do (and the world would be sunshine and rainbows like a Lisa Frank notebook). A little naive, I admit it. I had a rather black-and-white view of things.

Of course, my life is a whole lot of gray. When I first hooked up with Lucas, sure I had a crush on him, but I wasn’t looking for anybody. I loved my single life! Every date was an adventure! And if the guys I saw weren’t so great, then the things I learned about myself through their dates were worth every awkward or rude moment in existence. When I’m with Lucas, however, I have no problem brushing all these thoughts aside. I learn more about myself and about him everyday. The more I get to know him, the more awesome he becomes. So, on one hand I love being with Lucas, but on the other, I was very reluctant to let go of my hard-earned single-girl confidence. I could see myself being totally happy with both options. Hmm... How should I decide? I already knew how to be a happy single girl -- what’s it like to fumble into a relationship with a really great guy? Especially if that scary new relationship is what I really want.

I came to realize that everything about this blog has been pushing me to fight through uncomfortable feelings. I fought through bad dates trying to ineptly cuddle with me, boys who are super interested and can’t see that I’m not, and one deliciously tempting boy who breaks all of my well crafted rules on suitable date material (read: no teammates). Not to mention all of the insecurity, pain, and loneliness I’d felt about being single that I’d kept bottled up before starting this dating project. And I thought, if I can get through all of that without having any idea how it will turn out, then I can definitely start this without having any idea what I’m doing. It’s easy actually; all I have to do is take it day by day.

In the end, my subconscious self did the rest of the work. Lucas spent the night at my place and I woke up wrapped in his arms. I rolled over to face him and said, “So you’re my boyfriend now,” with a big smile on my face. Then, with a shock, I woke up fully. “Alice, what were you thinking?” my cautious side screamed. “You can’t just say stuff like that out of nowhere! You can’t take that back!”  But none of it mattered. Lucas was still asleep and hadn’t heard me at all. However, I’d heard myself, so when he asked me again the next night if I was his girlfriend and he was my boyfriend, I said, “Yeah, yeah I am.”

The Brilliant Mechanical Man

These past couple weeks have been a little crazy with the end of the semester upon us, me being out of town last weekend (Who thinks to travel the weekend before finals? Dis fool.), and an onslaught of deadlines that will. not. stop. However I found a couple minutes to spare, and I'm sharing some words of the great Kurt Vonnegut, that my friend and forever Vonnegutphile suggested I post. I couldn't agree more.

INTERVIEWER: Let’s talk about the women in your books.

VONNEGUT: There aren’t any. No real women, no love.

INTERVIEWER: Is this worth expounding upon?

VONNEGUT:
It’s a mechanical problem. So much of what happens in storytelling is mechanical, has to do with the technical problems of how to make a story work. Cowboy stories and policeman stories end in shoot-outs, for example, because shoot-outs are the most reliable mechanisms for making such stories end. There is nothing like death to say what is always such an artificial thing to say: “The end.” I try to keep deep love out of my stories because, once that particular subject comes up, it is almost impossible to talk about anything else. Readers don’t want to hear about anything else. They go gaga about love. If a lover in a story wins his true love, that’s the end of the tale, even if World War III is about to begin, and the sky is black with flying saucers.

INTERVIEWER: So you keep love out.

VONNEGUT:
I have other things I want to talk about. Ralph Ellison did the same thing in Invisible Man. If the hero in that magnificent book had found somebody worth loving, somebody who was crazy about him, that would have been the end of the story. Céline did the same thing in Journey to the End of Night: he excluded the possibility of true and final love—so that the story could go on and on and on.

INTERVIEWER: Not many writers talk about the mechanics of stories.

VONNEGUT:
I am such a barbarous technocrat that I believe they can be tinkered with like Model T Fords.

INTERVIEWER: To what end?

VONNEGUT: To give the reader pleasure.

INTERVIEWER: Will you ever write a love story, do you think?

VONNEGUT:
Maybe. I lead a loving life. I really do. Even when I’m leading that loving life, though, and it’s going so well, I sometimes find myself thinking, “My goodness, couldn’t we talk about something else for just a little while?”
♥

Happy Finals week to everybody studying! I'll resurface soon.

Meeting Charlie

Ok, my date with Charlie.

Charlie first read my blog off our mutual friend's facebook page.  I guess he really related to all the problems I talked about. He told me how brave he thought I was for starting this project and that it takes a lot of self-confidence to put everything out in the open like that. (Boy do I know that now.) But these were my first words of encouragement from a real reader! It was so exciting!

When I texted Charlie about our date, he called me (finally, a phone call!) and we talked for the first time ever. That was a little strange actually: talking to somebody that I was already inclined to like, knowing that we share some similar ideas and struggles, but about whom I really don’t know anything.

Not to worry, by his phone skills I judged him to be pretty cool, if only a little too excited. and I tried, I swear I tried to say that I am kind of seeing someone else. He didn’t seem to pick up this at all; he seemed really excited about our upcoming date, and I admit I was interested in meeting him for real too, but now on a totally platonic level, one which I couldn’t seem to communicate to him through the phone or text.

With this worry in mind, I still set up the date with him. And oh my god, I was really impressed. He had tons of ideas, and he’d planned everything out. Right down to the fact that when we arrived at an indoor putt putt facility that had no cars in the lot, he told me, “I know it’s open, I called to make sure.” Like geez, if anyone wants to go on a date this kid, she better realize that he’s putting in effort to make sure she has a good time.

Back to before the date: With much debate, I decided to tell Lucas about the blog, which meant that I had to come clean about my date with Charlie. I made plans for Lucas to hang out with my sister while I was on the date(she’s a cookie baking master and Lucas claims to be a world renowned judge of this sport). My Date however, got there early (girls are never ready on time! I wish guys would purposely get there 5 mins late and apologize politely for being a bit tardy. That would be ideal.) I don’t have such luck. Charlie met Lucas and my sister on their way out the door. Introductions were made; Clara laughing heartily on the inside, Lucas thinking, “Enemy!” and I’m sure Charlie was wondering who on Earth this random guy was.

Charlie's Take

[Hey guys, this post and Meeting Charlie go together, so if you're reading them, please read Meeting Charlie first. It'll make more sense.] - Alice

I think I can honestly say that this is the first blind date I have ever done. On top of a first blind date, I was meeting her AND her family at the same time. Regardless, it was an experience I was looking forward to. Sort of like how Brad Pitt says, “How much can you know about yourself, if you've never been in a fight?” in Fight Club. It can be fun to have a challenge. Upon meeting some of her family and one of her friends (whom we will talk about shortly), I finally got to meet Alice for the first time. I have to admit, I did a little fist pump in my mind upon seeing her for the first time. She looked very nice. It was a huge relief to know my blind date was pretty after all the wait and anticipation.


As we headed to our activity for the evening (glow in the dark putt putt), the date took an unexpected twist. Alice tells me that she kinda has a boyfriend, and not only that, but I shook his hand back at the house (that’s right, the friend back at the house I met, was actually her boyfriend). Wow. Totally wasn’t expecting that. I didn’t know that it was even possible to be put in the friend zone 5 minutes into a date (or better yet, before the date even started…that has to be some record, can someone look into that for me?). Honestly though, despite the news, it wouldn’t have changed anything on my end for the date. I would have said the exact same things and done the exact same things regardless if she was single or not. Now, some would argue that I should have cut the date off there, or not paid for anything, or should be upset that this would have been information to know before hand, or that Alice should have cancelled the date. Maybe. But you know, I didn’t look at it that way. In fact, I wasn’t even that distraught over the news. I knew Alice’s intentions for this dating project and she knew that I knew. I think we both understood where the other was coming from, and both at least wanted to meet each other, single or not. Also, the way Alice delivered the information was done appropriately, so again, it really wasn’t as bad as it may seem on paper. In fact, we joked about it for the rest of the night.

The Triple Threat

Let’s go all way back to the beginning of the blog, when I wrote The First Post, and a boy named Charlie left me a comment asking me out. It turned out that Charlie goes to school about 2 hours away from me, but he told me he would be back home for Thanksgiving or Christmas break. The holiday season is now upon us, and with everything that was going on with Lucas, I paused before calling Charlie up to talk about our planned date. In the end I decided that there is no way I can cancel on a guy who’s been waiting 2½ months to go on a date with me, whether or not the date will be an actual date.

In the meantime, I have continued to see Lucas outside of practice. I have such a good time hanging out with him, and I’ve been working through my concerns with public scrutiny and a relationship. We’d decided a couple weeks ago that Lucas was coming back to my parents’ house for Thanksgiving weekend, and I was trying to set up plans with old friends that I only ever see during the holidays. Lucas said to me, “I will stay with you for everything if that is ok.” I thought, Sure! You can totally come along for everything. Except for this one little date with a different guy that I have to go on...you can’t come to that. (Talk about awkward.) I tried to hedge, but Lucas persisted, “Why can’t I go with you?” he asked. You just can’t! Ok? How do you answer that?

Just to spice things up further, I got asked out on a date by a third guy.  One afternoon last week, I went on Facebook to discover a message from a guy I played soccer with over the summer. We have mutual friends that I’m very close with and he is too, but overall, I wouldn’t have quite called us friends. Friendly-acquaintances-that-could-eventually-be-friends, maybe, but we were not at that point yet. I also happen to know that this guy, Jordan, just got out of a relationship and (call me naive here, I think I deserve it) I thought maybe he just needs an open ear. Someone who isn’t involved in his ex’s side, someone who isn’t really involved in his side, someone who could be relatively neutral and definitely non-judgmental. I think in all honestly, I just was wracking my brain to come up with some explanation, any explanation, for why on Earth this kid would think to ask me out. Well he did it. Gave me his phone number and everything, saying that he would call me later to make concrete plans. 

A Date with Lucas

So, to pick up where we left off, Lucas left the next morning, and we began the process of getting to know each other all over again, as people outside of the athletic world. He texts me everyday, back and forth, up until practice. Then we enter the gym, give each other a casual nod, and practice as Alice and Lucas, regular teammates. I made it very clear that at practice, we are not together, and he’s been following suit perfectly. The most we do is discuss general topics of conversation. We’ve actually developed a sort of code language. “Do you have a lot of homework tonight?” means, “Can I come over?” “I really need a shower after this,” means, “I can’t wait to come over tonight.”

I don’t know how I missed this but I have to apologize for not explaining everything. Lucas is new to the team this year because he’s an international student from France, here on scholarship.  Referred to as my “frenchie” by Amy (my role model). His english is really good and so far he really likes it here. Sorry I didn’t mention this. I forget he’s French!

Lucas is quickly discovering how busy I am, but I am pleased to announce that we had a real live date just one week after Saturday Night. It was absolutely awesome. We went grocery shopping (one of my favorites pastimes, not kidding), then we went back to my apartment where he cooked me au gratin from scratch. He used a blue cheese directly from France, and taught me how to tear and eat a baguette, just like a real French person. He claims it all came out perfectly. I’ll second that.

One of Lucas’s favorite things to do is ask me why I smile. Every time, I think of what a silly question this is. Smiling is a reflex, and I don’t even realize that I’m doing it. So when he asks me, I respond, “Because I like you.” Short and sweet. On our date however, I gave a real honest answer for once. Believe it or not, this is something I am working on. Opening up and sharing is not my forte to any degree, and this blog is a big kick in the pants to that weakness of mine. Putting my goal into practice, I told Lucas that I was smiling because I never expected to like hanging out with him so much. He’s such a nice guy, a real gentleman. On top of that, he’s lighthearted and funny, and he tells some really good stories. He’s also happy to teach me about politics in Europe and talk about regional politics here (one of my favorite topics), or get real and talk about his problems being a new student in the U.S. All in all, I’m likin’ this kid a lot.

A Boy Named Lucas

So...I think this is a big post. I’ve broken just about every rule on dating that I can, but I think I have a guy that I really like. A keeper. His name is Lucas (pronounced “Luke-ah”).

I’ve known Lucas for about 2 and a half months --basically since the beginning of school this year-- and I didn’t realize that I Liked him until about two weeks ago. I have no idea how it works for everybody else, but for me it goes like this: I’m so happy, I have a cool new friend. Wow, he’s really cool! It’s the best whenever he’s around! Doesn’t everybody think he’s awesome, just like me? No, it’s just me? Oh shit. And that’s when everything changes. I never seem to like guys that are entirely available or reasonable choices. Maybe it’s the “thrill of a challenge” that plays a part.

Anyway, Lucas was entirely unavailable in my mind because he is my teammate. I have forever spouted the rule that I will NEVER date a teammate. Being a student-athlete is a job, and your teammates are your coworkers. When I go to practice, I’m there to work, and I do not want distractions or feelings getting in the way of productive training. Lucas is especially important because he’s better than me and thus very good to work with. Also, I see my teammates 5 or 6 days a week. We practice at school three days a week, and we drive 45 minutes through rush hour to practice outside of school twice a week. We compete every weekend and travel on the bus together. When Friday night comes, someone makes plans and we all hang out together. Some of us even live together. Bottom line: It’s A LOT of time. 

My concerns were enough to make me think that I would ignore my little crush and move on. I mean, I’m doing a dating project, so I didn’t think fresh dating opportunities (a.k.a. distractions) were going to be sparse. Then Saturday Night happened. I was at a chill party with some teammates and some other people, just hanging out and drinking. Lucas and I were talking, and he was rubbing my arm, and then I wasn’t paying attention, and next thing I know, we’re making out. Later he walked me home, I brought him upstairs, and he spent the night.

First this happened...

Then this happened.

So that was a turn of events, to say the least.

[And disclaimer: I’ve thought about putting this post up for a while, but I struggled with really putting everything out there when it’s early in the game. (Yet the game continues! So no worries.)]

Maya Angelou

I read this and thought it was too valuable not to share. I hope you find it as powerful and empowering as I do.